Relationship-Related Topics

Rec'd here.

Who is your ideal mate? We put this question to young adults, and he's what they told us.

People with the fixed mindset said the ideal mate would:
Put them on a pedestal.
Make them feel perfect.
Worship them.

In other words, the perfect mate would enshrine their fixed qualities. My husband says that he used to feel this way, that he wanted to be the god of a one-person (his partner's) religion. Fortunately, he chucked this idea before he met me.

People with the growth mindset hoped for a different kind of partner. They said their ideal mate was someone who would:
See their faults and help them to work on them.
Challenge them to become a better person.
Encourage them to learn new things.

Certainly, they didn't want people who would pick on them or undermine their self-esteem, but they did want people who would foster their development. They didn't assume they were fully evolved, flawless beings who had nothing more to learn.

Are you already thinking, Uh-oh, what if two people with different mindsets get together? A growth-mindset woman tells about her marriage to a fixed-mindset man:

I had barely gotten all the rice out of my hair when I began to realize I made a big mistake. Every time I said something like "Why don't we try to go out a little more?" or "I'd like it if you consulted me before making decisions," he was devastated. Then instead of talking about the issue I raised, I'd have to spend literally an hour repairing the damage and making him feel good again. Plus he would then to the phone to call his mother, who always showered him with the constant adoration he seemed to need. We were both young and new at marriage. I just wanted to communicate.

So the husband's idea of a successful relationship–total, uncritical acceptance–was not the wife's. And the wife's idea of a successful relationship–confronting problems–was not the husband's. One person's growth was the other person's nightmare.